It’s time for all of you to face the facts.  You’re bad drivers.  I on the other hand, am the best in the world.  I’ve thus taken it upon my weary self to teach you the science of getting out of my way!

The first undisputable law of driving: Objects in motion must remain in motion unless they are being passed by me.

I’m late for work and everyone in front is early for… golf lessons or something.  So naturally I must take my chances with fate, weaving and dodging around the slow drivers.

The next morning, I’m on my way to golf lessons trying to enjoy a leisurely day off when Mr. Jerk-head cuts in front so he can shave off a few micro seconds of travel time between red lights.  Why does he have to go so fast, taking his chances with fate, weaving and dodging around slow drivers like myself… I mean um… he must be late for work or something.

The second undisputable law of driving: Every body remains in a state of rest while at a stop light until that body is acted upon by the force of a car horn from the back.

I’m ten cars away from that light which takes forever to change.  It is glaring red, mocking my very existence, forcing me to be patient with people that I will never see again.

But then alas!  The blessed light has transformed into green!  Oh joyous day now I can… honk my horn at the slow person in front until he pushes the go petal.

But I’m at the front of the line now.  I take my time with things, talking to a friend on the phone, texting my mom, eating that sandwich in the passenger seat.

The light is some sort of grayish color.  I’m not an interior decorator so I can’t really tell which shade of gray it is.  Something happens to it.  The light changes to some other shade of gray.  Perhaps it is yellow now.  Who knows because if it’s green well… I have plenty of time to do something about it.  I’m in the front after all.

The third undisputable law: bodies driving slow in the passing lane have created a paradoxical wormhole where time is both meaningful and meaningless to the bodies caught within the event horizon of the slow body.

You’re one of those go-getters aren’t you?  In grade school you passed every coloring book project.  Many “good job!” and “go you!” stickers later, and you’ve become a pro at coloring everything orange.

During dinner with the family you’re the polite one, passing the dressing, passing the cheese sauce, and passing the gravy.  You’d think with all that practice in passing well… now you’re a big person!  You have a driver’s license and a car!  So go get on that big bad highway and drive slowly in the only lane worthy of your go-getter mentality, the passing lane.

Maybe you were born in England where everything is backwards: British teeth, British spelling (it’s not colour as in col-ow-er it’s color as in um… c-uh-ler).  Other backward things the British do is concerning their roads.  Here in America we don’t take too kindly to people driving slow in our passing lane.  You see the left lane is not for slow people.

Did all those “good job yo!” stickers in grade school mean nothing to you?  What condominiums are you passing to your family now?   Since the people in the other lane are going too fast for you to pass them, you might as well stay in the passing lane and keep driving slowly.   That way those in the slow lane who actually drive the speed limit can pass you by!  Any more paradoxical and we’d be traveling backwards in time.

The final undisputable law: drive safe or die trying.

Seriously folks, it may take you a little longer to get there, but safety is a better way to go then say, driving unsafe… which could kill you.

The best way you can drive safely is to keep your senses about you.  Be watchful of the traffic so that when the best driver in the world comes flying by (that would be me) you can move out of his way.