There’s an App for That

When I was neck deep in hyper-grace theology, attending a house group every other Friday, there were some crazy thoughts running through my noggin.

The providence of the Lord had me grounded in the theology of a baptist church at least. One bright Sunday morning on the way to church, I was thinking those word-of-faith-seeker-friendly thoughts of mine.

At this time smart phones were gaining in popularity. 100% of all people on the earth seemed to have one, except for me. Everyone talked about all the cool apps you could have. It seemed like smart phones could pretty much do anything. Just find the right app and have at it!

I had this mini sermon idea while thinking on this. It was one of those epiphany moments. Why not replace the phrase, “there’s an app for that” with “Jesus died for that.”

So, need freedom from your sins, “Jesus died for that!” (not too bad past Brian. Very true in fact, though speaking of the death and resurrection of our Lord as if it were a simple smartphone app… very bad, evil!)

Need a new car? (Don’t say it old Brian… please!) “Jesus died for that!” (NO!)

Need some money? (Bad evil past Brian! Stop it now!)

Seeker friendly churches simplify biblical teachings into easy-to-grasp buzzwords that are also easy-to-forget. In its attempt to reach all, even the ones thirsty for good theology are hindered. The gospel is meant to be convicting. 

You are evil. Turn to Jesus. 

There you go seeker-friendly churches! A nice bite-sized summation of the gospel. Copy and past.

But they aren’t after just simplicity. They want God’s grace to be an easy thing.

This is evil and wrong and in need of ridicule. It can make for some great comedy. Oftentimes, Jesus used sarcasm and exaggeration to teach kingdom of God truths.

I must learn to be like Jesus.

Here is my, super-serious-but-really-sarcastic-but-in-fact-actually-serious-hiding-His-truths-through-exaggeration-so-that-you-might-remember-it, monolog.

The Multimedia Megachurch

“Welcome to Newest New Life megachurch! Have you noticed our new sign? 

1 Billion Souls Served

“That’s with a ‘B’! Okay so we only serve one hundred thousand souls in our congregations, but we are naming and claiming to one day grow until one seventh of the world’s population attends our 4 services and satellite churches from all over the globe (seek your nearest elder for reasonable franchise options)! If you believe real hard and state it loudly in fits and shouts of a pretend joy, then the law of attraction… I mean, the ‘reap what you sow’ doctrine will make it so. 

“Speaking of ‘make it so’. Do you remember that classic seeker-friendly Star Trek sermon I did last week? No? Was it too complicated for you to grasp, or were the laser lights too distracting?

“Well, the lasers did complement our professionally choreographed lightsaber battles against the Dark Lord who shall-not-be-named seeking after the One Ring. Remember, the kingdom of God is like the One Ring to rule them all! But that’s for another sermon.

“Last week’s sermon had me come out in my Warhammer 40k cosplay armor (go team Ultramarines), giant-cobolt-blue-and-stark-white shoulder pads and all! We sang many great rock and role hymns to the Emperor of Mankind with our 40-piece orchestra. Why do we even have a string section? Can violins be heard above a guitar solo?

“The sermon was about how powerful our words are in changing God’s heart towards ours (He loves to spoil us). We are commanders in his army and just like Moses changed God’s heart from destroying the Israelites while he was on Mount Sinai, will, you too can misquote that scripture and ask for a new car!

“His will will always change to your wants and lusts. Just be sure to shout louder than He does and call it faith. Jacob wrestled with the Lord for his blessings. You too can win that battle! But this time, God won’t cause you anguish by hitting your side and marking you for life as His. Just like most Disney movies say, Believe in yourself and God’s grace will believe in your selfish ambitions over His perfect plan (new sermon idea for our women’s bible study: How to be a Disney Princess for the Lord).

“I gave my best Captain Kirk impression in that sermon when I said, ‘Want a better job? Turn to God and say ‘Make it so!’ Want a little bit of freedom from your sins? Turn to Jesus and say, ‘Make it so!’ Do you want better health insurance, turn to He whose love pierces our heart into conviction so that we are panged and remorseful for our sinful ways knowing that we need a Savior more than the ‘stuff’ of this world and say… all together now:

“MAKE IT SO that we repent of our evil ways and give up our glory for His, even to the point of martyrdom and death if He asks it!”

….

Need to know where the nearest Chick-fil-A is? There’s an app for that.

Need to know that Jesus is the only way to God? Read your bible. And, well, there are plenty of bible apps for that!

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